I turned 54 while we were in Mexico. It was bliss to wake up next to my favorite new boyfriend in the history of my 54 years and it tripled the bliss to be in the Caribbean. But I was freaked out about that number of years. It just sounded so old and an irrational thought occurred to me: what if I wake up on the seventh suddenly feeling old.
The great thing about weird catastrophic thoughts is they never come true. I woke up feeling wonderful and young. My health hadn’t suddenly deteriorated; my wrinkles hadn’t deepened and my body hadn’t visibly sagged over night. I wasn’t haunted by thoughts of: “is this all there is” because I never dreamed I would be this happy, this healthy, and this content with my life. I am haunted a little by a question a couple of writers have put forth: “What is your soul’s purpose?”
What the Hell does that even mean? And what if I die without discovering my soul’s “purpose”? Have I found my soul’s purpose and I don’t know it? I think the problem I have with this concept is I am framing it in grandiose terms. Like Steve Jobs soul’s purpose was to revolutionize computers and the marketing of technology. I’m not going to wake up on my birthday with a Macintosh worthy idea that will become my soul’s purpose. This didn’t exactly trouble me on my birthday. I was thinking more about a two cocktail lunch and the possibility of a “snap”. (A “snap” is an afternoon nap featuring nookie) My soul’s purpose that day was hedonistic enjoyment.
I’ve continued to think about this concept over the last few weeks and I’ve decided to stop worrying about my soul’s purpose and maybe my last epiphany will be on my deathbed and I have a vision of my soul’s purpose. Maybe I’m not really supposed to know because if I did I might get in the way of divine unfolding by running my life according to the direction I think is appropriate for my purpose. After all, the word “soul” implies an omniscient divine and my life certainly goes better if I follow the voice of my soul—intuition—rather than the road trip my ego wants to take me on.
Maybe my soul’s purpose is to witness, love, and nurture the divine unfolding of this messy and beautiful life? And isn’t that ultimately living in the “now”? Something I am aspiring to do every day?
It was a beautiful birthday month and I can’t wait to see what this fifty-fifth year holds for me.