Ya’ll really want to hear more Vegas insights, don’t you? These are the people you will “meet” in Vegas. Especially, if you’re at casino bar at 4:00 am with a crowd of near sober strangers-who-are-now-your-best-friends.
Did you know there are really only fifteen people who go to Vegas?
1. Girl Away From Home For The First Time
She has the face of an angel and the liver of a newborn. Please make sure she gets back to her room safely, with all of her clothes, her wits, purse, shoes, and dignity.
2. Guy Away From Home for the first time
He has the face of an angel and the liver of a newborn. Please make sure he gets back to the room safely with his shoes, wallet, dignity, and pants.
3. Couple away from their “damn” kids
Any conversation with them begins with “thank God we’re away from those damn kids and my mother could take them for a weekend” and ends with “let me tell you what cute thing my kid did. Did I show you that picture of him?”
4. Family with children
This one looks a little frazzled and nervous. This one feels a little unclear about what to do next or how to explain the hords of people screaming as they stand around a table; or why they look so sad in front of the bright machine. They usually mumble: “C’mon let’s go” a lot.
5. Drunk girl
She’s a professional at Vegas. The Kardashians are her fashion heros and Lindsey Lohen is her twin flame. She can fall down, show the rest of us her crotch and stand back up just in time for that next shot. She screams with laughter even if the quip wasn’t slightly funny. She is usually sans shoes, and hotel key. Her favorite accessory is a wheelchair to her room.
6. Drunk boy
He’s a professional at Vegas. The Situation is his fashion hero and he OD’d on Swingers in college. He knows the bartender by name and shouts it from across the bar so everyone knows he’s known. He’s the one who is convinced he is right about everything, and will challenge you to everything from a shot to a fist fight to prove his point. His best accessory is a bro who doesn’t mind dragging him to their room or cleaning up vomit.
7. Fighting couple
You can find this one in the casino at any given time and almost always at the airport near or on the way to the gates. Their conversations range from: “I saw you looking at her [him] [them] [it]!!” to “Coming here wasn’t *my* idea, it was all *your* idea so don’t bitch about the money *we* spent.”
8. PDA couple
I think this might actually be the couple away from their “damn” kids and the fighting couple. But I’m not sure. You find this one in elevators, standing in line for shows, in the pool, by the bar, in the casino, at the checkout desk…everywhere but their room.
9. Dude looking for a hooker
This one is a little twitchy and shifty looking as he watches women who just happen to be alone. He slowly approaches, appraising their clothing and demeanor. He walks over and then stands or sits close to her. He looks around, probably making sure there aren’t any cops because prostitution isn’t legal in the casinos and hotels. Then he clears his throat and asks something inane like: “How much” or “Are you alone tonight?” or “Are you alone and how much to spend time with you?” Hopefully he asks an actual hooker and not a middle-aged woman waiting for her friend at a bar. (I told him two million dollars in case you’re curious)
10. Hooker looking for a dude
She’s alone, casually dressed and paces the casino and bar areas. She sidles up next to small groups of men, sizing them up and listens in on the conversation. Are they looking for women? Are they waiting for women? When she isn’t trying to pick up men, she’s talking angrily into the phone and explaining to someone she is “at work”.
It squeals, drinks too much, has way too much fun, and is following the new fad of matching frocks to warm up for the wedding day when they all get to wear the same matching dresses. They also run from one place to another and are given to dancing on tables at a drop of a fork. (I like this about Bachelorettes)
Prone to slapping other’s on the back and calling everyone “bro” they also drink too much, brag too much, have way too much fun, and make sure everyone is puking drunk for golf the next morning. They can also be found hovering around Bachelorettes.
13. Woman with regrettable taste in clothing
She was featured on People of Walmart dot com last month and now she’s taking it to Vegas. It doesn’t matter if she’s carrying an extra fifty pounds or could use a sandwich because poorly executed wardrobe choices know no weight class or age group.
14. Angry gambler
You can see her scowling at any slot machine whether you’re in The Golden Nugget or the Flamingo. She’s dressed for comfort and speed in polyester pants from the Ford administration and a tee shirt her lazy-assed nephew brought home from Cabo. She can’t be bothered with brushing her hair so an old Giants cap is mashed firmly on her head. The bucket of coins is her only accessory outside of a steady burning cigarette near her right hand. She took the bus in from Bakersfield, and she will be damned if she doesn’t go back home later tonight at least $500 up cuz momma needs a new pair of shoes and a carton of Winstons.
15. Woman old enough to know better
She is out so late it’s almost the usual time she gets up in the morning. Her high heels have long stopped being “really super comfortable for stilettos”, she’s hungry, tired, and a hangover is starting to kick in. If you see
me this one, tell me her to go the hell to bed. The people will still be worth watching tomorrow night.